The ACEs of Divorce

ACEs are forms of childhood trauma. Trauma for children can come in many forms. 

They are common across all populations, but some populations are more vulnerable to experiencing ACEs. 

Some children are more sensitive to stress and may experience stronger emotional or physical effects. 

The more ACEs a child experiences in their childhood, the risk for negative impacts increases.

These traumas are known as toxic stress for children. This stress produces short term and long term consequences.

The ACE study was conducted by the CDC and Kaiser Permanente from 1995 to 1997.  

For more info visit: https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/infographics/aces-and-toxic-stress-frequently-asked-questions/

The Health Effects and Impacts on Life Opportunities

Childhood health impacts

Brain Development- impairs the hippocampus development

Physical Development – Weakens immune system

Educational Challenges – learning and behavioral problems, harder time with decision making and attention.

Physical Health – higher rates of childhood asthma, respiratory problems

Lifelong health impacts

• Depressive Disorder

• Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease

• Asthma

• Kidney Disease

• Stroke

• Coronary Heart Disease

• Cancer

• Diabetes

• Obesity

Life Opportunities Impacted

• Increased risk of for mental illness

• Increase the risks of injury

• Sexually transmitted infections

• Teen pregnancy

• Job instability

• Increase risk for smoking and heavy drinking

• Educational opportunities

How Divorce Can Contribute to Aces

• Lack of Information – kids imagine the worst, leading to anxiety.

• Lack of Control – children feel powerless and overwhelmed when they don’t get a say in big changes.

• Uncertainty – Not knowing what will happen next can make it hard for kids to feel safe and secure.

• Conflict – Ongoing tension between parents can make children feel caught in the middle and emotionally unsafe.

How to Mitigate the Impact of Divorce on Kids

Think of the “Divorce ACE” as an empty backpack. Each conflict parents have will add a small boulder to the backpack. The more small boulders, the harder it will be for the kids to navigate life. You get to make the choice to keep the backpack empty.  

Language Matters

› Disengage from personal feelings about the other parent.

› Express excitement about the child’s experiences with the other parent.

› Watch for triangulation from the children.

› Use “Parenting Time”, rather than visitation, contact or custody.

› Say “On Duty Parent” rather than primary parent or custodial parent.

› Call the house by the name rather than primary home.

› You don’t have to swing at every pitch your co-parent throws.

Create Certainty for Children

› Communicate with clear, age appropriate language to help kids understand what’s happening.

› Get a large calendar with stickers to represent parenting time.

› Create a fun ritual with the primary parent immediately after transitions. 

Connection without judgment

› Create space or a special time to hear how kids are feeling. Thank them for
   telling you how they feel. Ask if they would like help before offering solutions. 

› Feelings are information. Not good — or bad — just information.

› If you mess up, fess up.

› Give gifts without strings.

Approach Parenting as the Business of Raising Kids

› You will always be parents together. Graduations, weddings, grand-kids, etc. 

› Learn how to be co-workers.

› Shield the children from conflict

› Keep adult issues between the adults, including scheduling, decision making, and your thoughts about the other parents’ choices.

› Focus on the problem, not the person.